Locals Only: Copamedics

Darn you, Ocean Shores City Council! How could you pass up on the opportunity-of-a-lifetime!

I had the headline and everything: “The OSPD: Coming Soon to a Theater Near You!”

But, no – the council had to RUIN things by shutting down the idea of the city buying the Ocean Shores Cinema — the converting it into a combination mini-City Hall and … police department!

It would have only cost what everything Ocean Shores does costs: $7 million.

Actually, my idea would have been for the city to buy (maybe rent, party rates) the movie theater, then have Mayor Dingler and the blue crew move in — without spending a nickel on upgrades.

Think of it: Rather than having to hunt down folks who haven’t paid speeding tickets, DUI fines, etc, all the OSPD would need to do is post on Facebook: “Pay your fine … and see “The Hitman’s Bodyguard” at no additional cost!

In a word: Multi-tasking.

Let’s show some efficiency, around here!

I’m not suggesting the mayor should have to clean up the theater between shows …but she could make herself useful, by selling tickets.

“Are you here to complain that I’m running the city into the sewer — or see ‘Peter Rabbit’?”

Well, the movie theater ship has sailed, apparently.

But, in my never-ending quest to improve the city, I wracked (racked?) my little brain, wondering, “Where o where can the mayor and police go?”

Shores Bowl seemed like a good place, “Roll with a Cop” specials — and the obvious, community service as a pin setter. 

Nah, too loud.

The IGA? Too crowded — and the Professional Shoplifters Union would revolt.

Ocean Shores Donuts?

Too obvious …

Have the cops do like the rest of us, in these pandemic times, and work from home?

Beyond being yet another lawsuit waiting to happen, that would probably require a bit too much patience from significant others, especially in cases of “bringing work home.”

“Honey — I’m going to have to handcuff this one to the couch, tonight. He’s too drunk to drive, but not high enough to fly.”

Then, it hit me: Not only house the police officers at the spacious, multi-million dollar, almost-new Fire Station (assuming they haven’t broken it, yet) — but also combine jobs, for the ultimate in cost-saving, cross-training.

Most firefighters are already paramedics, why not broaden things, a bit?

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing: The Copamedic.

Now, would the rowdies at the Porthole and Pirate’s Cove start a brawl — knowing the Copamedics were on the way, ready to separate fighters with a few fire hose blasts?

True, the disadvantage of cops doing firefighter jobs and vice versa might be a spike in speeding by certain drivers hoping to get pulled over by those “adorable firemen.”

“Ma’am, you were a good 20 over the limit. I’m going to have to write you up.”

“Does that come with a spanking?”

Conversely, police officers would probably require some redirecting, when it comes to taking control of a suspect.

“Fluffy, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way. If you don’t want the hot fur special, put your front claws behind your ears and slowly back down the tree towards my voice …”